The Sound Of Slurping Coffee And Kids Poop Stories Are Not Something I Want To Listen To

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I am ashamed to admit that while I have my Master's degree, I spend 8 hours a day sharing a 1/2 cubicle with the world's most aggregating co-worker. That's right - 1/2 cubicle, not even a whole one.

My working days start off at 7:50 am a 20 minute serenade of her slurping her coffee, followed by the downing of her first bag of hoops (a sort of stinky corn-nut / ring ding chip). This is mixed in with the latest news of her children's potty training stories - apparently these kids are not toilet trained at 2 and 4 years old.

Luckily for me, her husband - who is 10 years younger than her and barely over the age of 24, just was released 2 weeks early from rehab, where he was curing himself of a cocaine addiction. Amazingly, he beat this habit in 2 weeks and was released early - he found God, so now they are religious. As he is not "able" to work, I get to hear about how she chose to buy live mice (that's right, you read correctly) for their pet boa constrictor, dog food for the bison frische dog and crickets for their dragon lizard, in lieu of fresh fruit for the kids. She truly believes that fruit roll ups are a good substitute.

So when I am not hearing about hubby's rehab or the irritating habits of her offspring, I can listen to her crack every joint in her body. She speaks in this hushed whisper and love to lean in close to you. My skin crawls when this happens but I cannot escape - she blocks the opening of our cubicle and I am literally trapped listening. Two weeks ago I actually yelled at her to stop telling me a story about how her one kid made four accidents that morning so she had to change - even the yelling did not deter her. She would do well as a telemarketer.

My friend at work and I avoid her during our lunch hour.  Everyday she asks me what I am doing for lunch - every day.  So we hide from her - like in the 8th grade.  Last month we were unsuccessful one day and we were educated by her for our lunch hour - we learned the best ways to have sex after we have children.  Two men left the lunch room. I completely lost my appetite.  Now we had hiding spots we can escape to. 
 
Every weekend she asks me if I want to come over to her house and watch CSI.  Every weekend.  I have told her many a time that I have 3 TV/VCR's plus satellite so I don't need to.  She volunteers to baby-sit my dog if she hears I am doing something on a particular weekend. 
 
I have never been intentionally cruel to someone, but absolutely no one has ever driven me crazy like this particular co-worker.  I am not sure if I am encapsulating the essence of her very well, but believe me when I say I could win this contest hands down. 
 
Did I mention that you can smell when it is her time of the month?

(Posted by J.L.)

1064 Comments

OMG I had to stifle my laughter while I was reading that one! I am soooo sorry for you! I hope something happens soon (like she gets fired or something) to help you out!

| Reply

Man, reminds me of a lot of people I have encountered in my 5 yrs working as an office temp. Does this woman get any work done? Wow, I feel for you...but I feel worse for her unfortunate offspring. I weep for the future.

| Reply

While this woman certainly does sound annoying, she also sounds as if she's trying to be kind, in her own way. Reading your account, I felt a bit sorry for her. She obviously wants to fit in and feel part of the crowd. Perhaps she's not the most sophisticated person around, but she seems to have a good heart. Maybe a bit of compassion and less derision is in order. Or not, and just keep hiding;)

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OH MY GOD.... YOU SIR/MADAM ARE THE WINNER! HANDS DOWN WITHOUT A DOUBT YOU HAVE THE CO-WORKER FROM HELL. Poor poor you.......

WOW.. that is definetly the Co-worker from hell!! You poor thing, I wouldn't be able to deal with her with out being rude. So, maybe you can put in for a seat/cubicle change. Request a single occupancy, so hopefully you can prevent this from happening again.

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