Job Swill

Several years ago, I worked for the local police department in a sweet job in the warrants and booking department, the office of which was located inside the jail building. I was stoked to work there, having just started taking college classes for Criminal Justice. Bonus- I worked graveyard, which, while being hell on one's social life, was the most exciting time to be in that job, and paid a small shift differential.

A couple of the chicks on my shift were kinda ghetto- baby mama types who got government assistance. I have no idea what their qualifications were to get hired, but they had both been there since before I started.

One of them, Robyn, was about five months pregnant with baby number two by baby daddy number two. She admitted laughingly to everyone that she wasn't sure which of three guys was the father. She also regularly knew the various thugs and gangbanger types we booked in- some of them were exboyfriends. Class act, I know. Also, she didn't even have custody of her first kid- a toddler that her mother was raising.

Robyn was a party type, and openly had continued partying (drinking and smoking, both Newports and pot) during her pregnancy. One night, she had a bag of weed in her purse, and cracked herself up by showing it to me and a couple of other girls in the office.

I was furious. Despite my better judgment, I contacted my supervisor and told her. Another girl in my office, Shannon, did the same thing.

If I knew how it would wind up, I would have skipped chain of command altogether and called in a police officer. In case you don't know, bringing contraband into a jail is a felony.

I love my job because it consists only of reading celebrity gossip, listening to golden oldies, and bitching at installers for not having their jobs closed out with in allotted time frame.

(Posted by Anonymous)

I work as a desk monkey in an academic office of a major public University. My department is really small, so we frequently have food for things like birthdays, graduations, etc.

We have one retired professor who still feels the need to be around, rather than enjoy his state funded unemployment.

When we have cake or cookies, they are usually placed in front of my desk because it is centrally located.

One day a few months ago, he came in for cake. (His third piece of the day, god forbid you save some for the poor grad students). After serving himself an enormous piece, he LICKS THE COMMUNAL SERVING KNIFE and then puts it back. I seriously shuddered when he did it.

Ever since then, my collegues and I watch him and hide the server when he comes in. Last time we had brownies, he licked his finger and scraped the bottom of the pan. While there were still brownies in it.

It has gotten to the point where we don't do 'homemade' anymore because it just grosses everyone out. Our candy dish only holds pre-wrapped goodies.

PS-He has a degree from MIT, but has repeatedly tried to send faxes from my printer, but that is another story.

(Posted by Anonymous)

In August 2004, I had been working for a start-up software company for about a year. I had recently changed positions and taken on responsibility for coordination and management of all marketing materials, and had begun developing new online marketing programs. I had just renegotiated my contract, moving from a base+commission structure to a base+bonus structure. All seemed to be going well - after all, the successful contract renegotiation would seem to imply that they are committed to keeping me on, no?

I was married over Labor Day weekend, 2004, and took a fabulous 2-week honeymoon to Australia. The second day I was home, I received a meeting invite to join a conference call with my manager and her boss, and the conversation went something like this:

"Hey, how was the wedding?"
"Oh, it was fabulous, it was really everything we wanted!"
"And the honeymoon was good? Good trip?"
"Absolutely, Australia was just amazing."
"Great, glad to hear that. Listen, we did some restructuring while you were away and, um, we're going to be laying you off."
"..."
"So, we've just e-mailed you some details on your severance and everything. We're giving you two months' pay, which we think is pretty generous, really."
"And, um, when is this change taking effect?"
"Oh, well, you know, this week. Today."

And that was that - I was out of a job.

(Posted by Anonymous)

One doesn't really have too many options when one is trying to pay off student loans and credit card bills. I pity the poor souls who have to work at a dead-end job, albeit, one that requires a college degree, that offers pay comparative to peanuts. While I consider myself to be fairly bright and intelligent, I don't know how I allowed myself to get stuck in the rut that is my job. It's a firm of 12 employees. I took the legal assisant position out of necessity two years ago. I'll admit I was impressed by their swanky and wealthy clientele and I was lead to believe the firm was lucrative and thriving. That is, until the law clerks and junior associates opened my eyes and the world was suddenly clear. A month after I started, my boss led me into his office and paraded me around the room to admire his diplomas and awards and did I know that he was a champion cage fighter and had a small penis? Yeah, I could read this chump.

Little did I know this fool would was really a graduate from the school of hard knocks. I was informed that I wore "too many jackets" and I was dared to take off my jacket. Nonetheless, I laughed it off, only to truly be taken off guard less than a few weeks later when I was told to make out with the other legal assistant in his office. No no, the line isn't drawn here. The office is deeply dysfunctional. The goal is to help disadvantaged children, while the greedy partners line their pockets with money from school districts, that should be going towards classrooms and books. Did I mention the nepotism?

Dearest Ice Queen,

You are my co-worker on a technicality. My boss is your boyfriend and he works out of the house you share and wants you to feel involved in his "life". This does not mean you can whiz through the office in a freaking nightie and ask me a million questions. Especially not ones that go "Did you do that whatchamcalit for the thingie he needed to pick up yesterday?"

I know your saying I'm just full of hate and I secretly want your boyfriend but since you don't know me here is the low down and dirty. Your man and I see eye to eye. Yes, we agree on many things but that's not what I'm talking about. Homeslice and I are exactly the same height. That won't work. Momma likes em tall. Besides he's old. Like my dad old. Not cool...not cool at all.

So please dearest stick to decorating or whatever it is you supposedly do. Because I show up to do hardcore officing. Little girls like you could wind up with a papercut or a staple to the forehead if your not careful.

Love Always,

The One who stares at you blankly at least twice everday.

(Posted by P.C.)

Unfortunately, my bad job experience stems from a job I haven't even started yet. After countless resume submissions to many different offices, I had to settle for a shitty, low-paying job at Target. I have to pay the bills somehow, right? I mean, my husband certainly isn't doing the job.

I went in on a Friday. I showed up looking very crisp and business-like. I had my first interview. Apparently I did it well. I waited damn near 40 minutes for a higher-up to whisk me away to another room for another interview filled with bullshit "what if" questions. I was told that I "interviewed very well," and to come in the next day for my third interview, also referred to as "the hiring process."

I showed up the following day, a Saturday, once again looking polished. I had a very brief meeting with another higher-up which basically consisted of me signing a few papers, and agreeing to a background check and a drug test. She mentioned that she was relieved I was filling the position I had chosen because "lots of other applicants must have gotten other jobs or something." And that was it. She told me they would be in contact after the results came through.

Later that day, I waited in a cheap clinic for almost two hours just so I could pee in a cup. Ridiculous.

I received a letter that had my background check enclosed. Apparently they're required to send it to me, along with a summary of my rights. Anyway, a letter was enclosed with it that said they would be in contact shortly. I know the background check, as well as my drug test, has no possible way of being incriminating. It has been almost two weeks since my first interview, and I still haven't received a phone call to schedule my orientation. It's very frustrating. You apply for a job because you need money, and when the employer (after promising you the job) seems to put you on the back burner, it just infuriating.

In short, now I know why Target is always hiring. We'll see how things shape up when/if they ever decide to extend that fucking phone call. Maybe I'll have more stories.

(Posted by Tori)

I had a job my senior year in high school, working at a high-profile dry cleaners in an affluent, upscale part of town. I was the only minority in the entire staff of 4 which included myself. We alternated weeks working together in staffing of 2-3 people, 2 people on Saturdays. The owner was also included in the total number of staff, so approximately every 2 weekends I worked alone with him. One or two days a week, he would be on staff, while other days, it would just be all of us women.

The owner was a real asshole. He had the other two women who worked there, afraid of him. I could not understand it for the life of me. What were they afraid of? He hardly ever spoke to anybody, ever. When he did, it was intense, hushed tones. He had greasy slicked back grayed hair, a steak fry for a mustache and he was only nice and friendly to the rich customers. He would roll his eyes if something wasn't done right and would snatch items from you if he perceived you were doing something wrong. I did not see this as worthy of being afraid of, but I did see it worthy of copping an attitude myself. If he snatched from me, I would look at him crazy like I was gonna slap him bald. The other two ladies would avert eye contact with him and walked around in total fear. They would never laugh and avoided socializing. They always seemed nervous, all due to the asshole who never spoke.

When it would be us ladies working, we would have fun! We would turn up the radio and dance around and laugh. We still got the job done and done well. Its a dry cleaners for goodness sake! All we did was sort, collect money and send clothes out. The cleaning plant was in another part of the city. The other two ladies would always mention how grateful they were to have a job working there. Why? We made peanuts for pay and the boss was a real jerk! I had a second job to keep my pockets lined and these two women were much older than me as I was still in high school. When the owner was around, we were only allowed to listen to talk radio, and only very low. The other two ladies never laughed and would "shush" me when I would crack a joke. He was like the quiet tyrant. I could not understand it. He struck no fear in me and I rued the weekends I had to work with him. 6 hours of no human contact with my boss, who would be standing there with me, never looking at me, talking to me or even acknowledging me until I did something wrong (i.e. something he felt he could do better). What is so scary about someone who avoids you?

I really have one of the most fantastic jobs out there! In the summers, I work as a sailing instructor at a posh all-inclusive resort and yacht club in the Caribbean (The British Virgin Islands, to be exact). After sailing at the national level for a few years, I retired when I was sixteen and went on to teach sailing. When I was eighteen, I was offered a job to coach in the tropics. I didn't have to be asked twice!

A regular day at my summer job involves waking up around 8, donning a bikini and shorts, and walking to the resort/yacht club's giant breakfast buffet, complete with an omelet chef. Afterwards, I walk five minutes along the white sand to the sailing center, where I rig the boats and open up the building. Throughout the day, I have scheduled classes that tourists sign up for, and there is also a "free sailing" period where anyone can show up. If no one shows up, me and the other instructors lie by the palm trees and tan. If it ever gets too hot, we simply go for a swim! I am paid a decent wage per hour, I have all my room and board provided, and I am often given very generous tips from tourists. Simply put, it is the best job ever.

(Posted by L.D.)

I love my job because we have popcorn and kool-aid fridays.

(Posted by Cassie)