Job Swill

I used to be a receptionist in an office and then moved up to an assistant position. For a while, it seemed like we had a rotation of temps in the position after me, who either didn't want the job, or who just weren't the right fit.

Unfortunately for me, that meant that I was constantly being pulled back up to the front desk to train every new person that showed up, even though it was no longer a part of my job description.

Finally, I passed along the resume of a girl whom I had known in college. We weren't really friends--more acquaintances really and had simply lived in the same dorm at one point in time.

Needless to say, I trained her and determined that I would finally wash my hands of the whole reception situation. I was so happy that she would be the new go-to gal from here on out.

Common Characteristics:

Loud and opinionated: speaks up about anything and is forceful with opinion.

Figure pointing: trying to discredit anyone at any opportunity.

Multi Focused: Meaning, seems to be focused every where they shouldn't be, and hardly where they should be.

Bossy: Has a way to verbalize in a manner that speaks down to people and over people.

Energy Obsorbing: What ever the issue, and there are many, this person has to speak about it intensely and command everyone's attention to it. Keeping others from focusing on there work and using the energy on what every the intense emergency is. example: a policy about toilet paper and while you are listening, a policy about policies for about two hours.

Mistaker/Cover upper: Because this person spends so much energy and time on just about everything, this person makes a lot of mistakes, then tries to cover it up by blaming others in office or where ever.

Credit taker: Takes credit for suggested way to do or handle something, right in front, or behind your back. Doesn't matter. Really doesn't think twice about it.

Tripper: Trips off at any thing that the brain cannot handle at the moment.
Trips off loudly, verbally and physically. A mere mention of anything to redirect this persons behavior, or to gently guide it in another direction is bound to trip this person off out of know where. Oh, who am I kidding, it could be just about anything...REALLY!

I recently went back to work after being sick for 3 years. After 4 months, I am about to explode. There is this one girl there who is constantly yelling in my face if I do anything or order anything without her approval. She is not my boss but is boss's pet and jealous. She is from El Savador and just became a US citizen. She will be nice one minute and then screaming in my face the next. We have actual staff meetings so she can yell at me in front of everyone. She is hostile, irrate and out of control. She is constantly looking over my shoulder to find a mistake. I work for an orthodontist who is oblivious to the trauma this evil bitch has caused. Yesterday, she was in my face so close, I almost punched her. Please help me!

(Posted by Anonymous)

If you look up the word favoritism in the dictionary, you'll see a picture of my place of employment! It is by far the worst place I have ever seen as far as equal treatment goes. The so called administration hold some employees to a high standard while turning a blind eye to what others do (or fail to do). It's all about whether or not they like you. If they like you, you can do whatever you want when you want without any fear of consequences. However, if they don't like you, you had better watch your back and document everything that happens, because chances are, you may need it in court one day.

One classic example is my department. One guy made an honest mistake. They made him live in fear that he would be fired for this very honest and easily fixed mistake. Luckily, they couldn't fire him for it, so he had nothing to worry about, but it's just the principle of the thing! Yet, we have this one fat piece of waste who misses work constantly (has not worked a full week since February of this year), dresses inappropriately, talks trash about the powers that be (who LOVE HER!), is damn near impossible to get in touch with when she is actually at work, spreads hateful rumors about other employees being gay, and is just an all around low life. But, you can't get the so called bosses to sniff in her direction.

The story continues ...

(Posted by Anonymous)

Ok, so I'm working full-time for a State office while trying to get into something more in 'my field'....

There is no limit to the odd characters who sit around me....I'm surrounded by the Office Schizo, a very paranoid, very agitated middle aged woman who believes that ABSOLUTELY every conversation & email is about destroying her. Symptoms include: sneaking glances at me across the aisle w/narrowed eyes, all the while popping blackheads.

Then there's Allergy Guy whom I think has Tourettes'. He clears his throat 1000+ times per day, but if it's only throat clearing, we're lucky. Other times, it's snorting of mucus back into his little pea brain.

& most delightful of all, there's Creepy Pakistani Pervert Guy. He is in the cube next to me & takes to standing up & looking around (presumably to try & look down my shirt). Otherwise, he slurps his tea very loudly & apparently has a Doritos addiction as i hear him rummaging around in his file cabinet every 2 minutes to dig around for chips. After the chomping subsides, he gets back up again & hovers over his desk, playing w/papers. He's already been accused of trying to kiss a developmentally delayed girl that works as a file clerk in the elevator. He's balding & in his 50s & has hair like Animal from the Muppets. & he writes creepy poetry which he has gotten someone to publish into a book & tries to sell to all of the managers.

arggh, I work in a ZOO!

(Posted by Burnt Out Grad)

I work in a place one would think would have the highest of professionalism and ethics. This place is a disaster. After putting up with verbal abuse, hostility and insane mood swings from my co-worker, I went to the head honcho of the department. I told him about her berating issues, treating me like a four year old, her overbearing behavior and histrionic antics. Hoping to find solace and maybe a solution, he told me she is "old school", I am being too sensitive and get over it. I was dumbstruck. The other kick in the head is he told me she's my supervisor. Since when? Am I such a moron that I need two people over me???

This kind of behavior seems to be a trend among middle aged power hungry career secretaries. I don't know what her problem is. I wouldn't be shocked if it were revealed she's got an addiction issue. Her erratic behavior thoroughly defines that of an addict.

(Posted by Anonymous)

At my job, I was called The Ice Queen because I could keep a straight face and even voice no matter what. Actually, the reason I treated them that way was because they were disgusting and had very nasty ways. I was the paralegal. One lawyer would pick boogers all day and wipe them on the files. When going through files I would find these little monsters. ewwwww. I would go to his office to tell him about his nasty habit and tell him I absolutely refused to touch the file or the contents. He was clearly embarrassed but glared at me. Then his brother, who worked with him, intercommed me to come to his office to talk about a new case and the file I was supposed to write up. He sat there at his desk, frantically picking boogers, totally grossing me out. When he finished talking and simultaneously escavating his notstrils, he tried to hand me the file. omg .... nooooo thanks. I refused to take the file and told him why, of course, with a straight face and even voice. I walked back to my little office that had no windows and no air. I would still close my door and lock it. (From time to time, the lawyers would try the handle and finding it locked would proceed to bang or even kick the door, all the while yelling to be let in. Emergency client or case. Yeah, so.) I heard him slam the files to the floor from his office and when his brother and another lawyer went to see why he was making such a commotion, he roared that The Ice Queen strikes again, meaning I refused to touch the papers until he got a brand new, clean file and washed his hands before handing me the file. Thereby making his work late or else undone.

The story continues after the jump.

(Posted by Anonymous)

I used to answer the general information line at a large music venue. One day I get a call from a man asking if we have any concerts for children available. I check the schedule and say:

"There is the Salute to Bugs Bunny Concert with the Philharmonic." I then see that that concert was last week. "Oh, I'm sorry sir that concert has passed. It was last Saturday."

The man replied "So, it's not avaiable?"

"Not unless you have a time machine."

There was a long pause before finally- "What?"

"No, it's not available sir."

(Posted by Michael)

My co-worker is the stupidest, most annoying person I have ever worked with. She sits next to me (a small waist-high wall separates us) so there's no escaping her idiocy. I stupidly tried to be nice when she first started her job. This lead to hour long discussions about why she never has had a boyfriend. I even hung out with her outside work once, and she accounced I was her best friend. She would blab endlessly about four word text messages from men trying to ditch her. The day I finally brought some headphones to work to block out her endless chatter, she got angry that I was ignoring her and began pounding on her desk. Now with my headphones, I don't have hear her slurp down her lunch every day and chew with her mouth open. She also asked me for a loan one day, which is strange since she's 43 and lives with her mom. I of course said no, but couldn't help but notice she went to the mall every day and bought expensive clothes.

(Posted by Anonymous)

I answered an ad in my local paper for a "Customer Service" position at a dry cleaners place. 2 weeks after I was there, the owner asked if I wanted to learn the bookkeeping because their receptionist was going on maternity leave. They already had a bookkeeper who worked there part-time, so I said I would try it. They never told me I had to learn how to do the payroll, something I have never learned to do, let alone their bookkeeping was pretty bad. The pregnant gal that was training me was a real bitch and not very helpful. I was fired 1 day after my birthday (I was there for exactly 1 month). 2 days later, they changed the ad in the paper to "Office Coordinator". I always thought that dry cleaner place was a reputable place, but the workers like to pocket the money no matter what the amount if they find it in customers clothing.

(Posted by Anonymous)

I have the misfortune of working at the same place as an immature, loud, spoiled rotten to the core, highly overrated "co-worker". I put co-worker in quotations, because it's a stretch to even call her that. I don't even know where to begin. I guess the only positive thing about it is at least we work in different departments, so I don't have to see her too often! But, when I do see her, it makes my stomach turn! She is a 35 year old child. She has two kids, but could honestly care less about them. But, boy, they come in handy when she needs an excuse to be gone from work for long periods of time! An offense that the rest of us would be fired for, by the way! She has been working here for close to ten years and has taken countless leaves of absence. Two were for maternity leave, which was understandable, but the others were certainly not. For instance, she claimed that the doctor put her on a stress leave due to her manic depression, but yet, she always ended up some place far away. New Zealand, Venezuala, Italy, the Bahamas.

The story continues after the jump.

Most white collars believe, even today, that they will never become the victims of the downsizing that comes with globalization. That is how I thought: that it would never happen to me. I was secure, confident and even a little smug in my position as a marketing executive with a corporate bank. I had reached the level of vice president. To me, blue-collar workers were the ones who had to face job loss. What did they have to do with me, comfortable and confident in my fancy office with my fat paychecks and the cushion of my MBA?

That was five years ago. In the time since I have learned a valuable lesson and I have realized my own foolishness. We are in this together, and we must remember that.

One day, I received the news that millions of Americans receive. My job had been moved to another country, and I was now unemployed. I was fifty-two years old. There had been rumors for several months, but it did not occur to me that I would be one of those on the receiving end.

I did not expect to have trouble finding another job. I was wrong. For months I followed every lead and made every contact. Several times I was among the finalists, but at the end I was not the choice. The stress and frustration put a terrible pressure on my marriage, and after four months my wife divorced me; I don't have any bitterness about that. We were both at fault. The list of debts was already large when I was fired; they continued to grow.

(Posted by Anonymous)

I work with someone who needs help. She is a chronic liar. When and if she shows up for work, she is always late. She will put 80+ hours worked on her time card...lucky if she put in 5 total hours in two weeks. Slams the boss constantly behind her back, even though this same boss looks past all of her terrible habits and has bent over backwards for her. I can't believe one thing that she says, probably because she can't look anyone in the eyes when she talks. She is loud & very unprofessional. She can b.s. with the best, but NEVER comes through with any projects she says she will do. Always borrowing money from boss/co-workers. Doesn't always pay back. I try to ignore it, but it's been two years. What should I do?

(Posted by Jag)

I've worked for my company as an assistant taking care of lunches, meetings, travel and schedules for 8 years. Today I blew my top and have to share what children I work with.

Every Wednesday I order lunch for various meetings in our predominantly male software development department. I have their lunches to their meeting room by noon each week and to try and change up the food selection. Today, I go with a new restaurant to feed their hungry mouths, a Mexican chain that is now offering delivery.

The restaurant called me directly at noon to say the delivery lady was running 10 minutes late so I let the meeting supervisor aware of when the food would be delivered. When the delivery arrived, I personally took it downstairs to the meeting. Wouldn't you know the "boys" were making wise cracks about it being late and how starved they were and whining like little bratty kids. Whether they were kidding or not, I was pissed at the way they reacted and how I felt they took me and my assistance for granted.

(Posted by Anonymous)

I have a coworker who is mentally abusing me. From Day 1, she has said awful things to me like..(wow, did you purposly get your hair cut like that? I'd ask for a refund!!) Now it has become worse!!She always goes on about herself and how wonderful she is and in the next sentence she is basicly telling me that I am ugly. I blow off what she says, but cry when I am alone. She really hurts my feelings!!

Everyone says that she is jealous of me. I have a highly sucessful husband and I don't have to work. I live in a dream home. I am very fortunate! I am much younger than her! However, she is 36, still lives with her parents in a trailer park. "36" and still with Mom and Dad- Loser!! She looks like Peggy Hill from Family Guy, if you ask me!! She has been fired from her last 3 jobs..(Gee, how did we get stuck w/ her- great job and way to go HR Dept) She hurts me to make herself feel better about being a loser. Does anyone know if this is something I can go to HR about? She is totally abusing me mentally!! Its non-stop!!

(Posted by Michelle)

Dave our computer technician

-comes in late
-leaves early
-leaves rotting food at his desk,and under others' desks.
-he farts non stop
-and burps,literally in my face
-plays his computer music really loud
-eats really smelly food all the time, and leaves it out.
-stands over my shoulder and grabs the gum out of my hand and eats it with out asking. And continues to do so after I've told him to ask first.
-listens in on my phone conversations and comments on them afterward, or asks dumb questions about it.
-now this one is strange....
he speaks in anomonopea:
like if my shoes are squeaking a little, he'll yell "SQUEAK" and continue to do this untill I respond. Or if my computer beeps, he'll yell "MEEEP" MEEEP MEEEP. and continue doing this until I tell him to stop.
-He's so rude to everyone, and constantly yells. And to top it off........ he smells like mildew.

I hate my coworker. She is the evil bitch monster from hell. "Sandy" is the daughter in law of my boss. She has a useless degree and no experience. I wonder how she got the job?? Her incompetence means that I have to fix her mistakes. I am so sick of it! I hate her!

(Posted by Anonymous)

Today, I get called to a "meeting" which is not unusual for my completely anal supervisor. We schedule for after lunch and I go on about my day. I also met with the office manager (my supervisor's boss and who used to be my direct supervisor)in the morning to discuss my ever increasing stress due to my supervisor. Nothing is resolved, of course.

Lunch time comes and goes and I am off to hear about what I assume I have done wrong with my work. I was in for a shocker! She lets me talk about my questions regarding work first, then it came. She pulled out a stack of papers she sais she "found" while looking for something while I was at a training. I admit, I am lazy and do not shred papers on a regular basis--hardly ever. So when the "to be shredded" drawer was discovered, I guess she thought she was going to find something on me. Plus, rather than ask me when these itmes were found, she proceeds to conduct her own "investigation" researching the papers that look like they should lead to something horribly incriminating against me. But... my friends I am not stupid. Why would I leave "evidence" of my wrong doings so easily to find? I wouldn't! Everything she "found" checked out--HA!

(Posted by Anonymous)

My boss is begging to be sued...mostly because of his own blind eye toward the actions of our operations manager, whom I shall call Tammy.

Earlier this year, it was made known (though not by any specific distribution of policy or official announcement) that family members or friends of employees would no longer be hired.

(It should be mentioned that the company has experienced at least part of its growth in the past 3 years due to the buddy system of employment. My husband and I both work here in two different capacities, IT and accounting. But my husband did not recommend or hire me- the company president did.)

Since then, according to the grapevine, two women have been specifically told by Tammy that their family member could not come apply for a job- one woman whose daughter wanted to apply, another whose brother sought to work here.

(Posted by Skwerly)

I hate my coworker. She is manipulative, mean, and evil. If she doesn't like you (which is anyone who doesn't agree with her or kiss her behind) she will give you the cold shoulder at meetings and in the hall. She loves to gossip about anything and about everyone. She is a bully, whom management just promoted. I've spoken to my supervisor regarding my coworkers agressiveness. I was told that they have talked to her about it, what this means is that my coworker will just be nice around them, and turn into an evil witch once they're not looking.

(Posted by Evil Co-Worker)

I love my job, mainly because I have one. I don't do anything special, I'm a purchasing assistant for a vacuum cleaner supply distributor. My hours are good, my office is nice, my boss is great. Where else can you work in an office position and wear sweats when its cold or you don't feel good? The owner has a house across the country and spends at least 3 months out of the year there. It's great!! That's why I love my job- nothing fancy, and no major pressure, unless you really screw something up.

(Posted by B.)

"The interview lasted 1 hour. I lied once every 7 minutes."

Last night I drove 60 miles for a job interview at 7pm. They were really nice guys. A Marketing Director of a Very Big Financial Company and an agency guy.

My CV has 20 years experience, 7 employers, 1 postgraduate qualification and 3 instances of the word 'dynamic'. The interview lasted 1 hour. I lied once every 7 minutes. Sometimes I lie once every 3 minutes. That's a bad sign.

Here are some of last night's lies:

FALSE: "I don't mind working away from home; it gets me away from my 15 yo daughter."
TRUE: I resent every second that work takes me away from my family.

FALSE: "Thanks for explaining the brief, it sounds really exciting."
TRUE: Saddam Hussain will win the Nobel Peace Prize before this brief delivers value.

I thought it was impossible to find a job I liked, but last Fall I found it. I worked at a fun, colorful candy store in New York City where the employees, management and co-workers where amazing.

Then, reality check!

The nice, gay, fabulous, magnificent general manager quit and ran as fast as his gold sneakers could take him. I worried, but I never thought it would be this bad.

The owner, a socialite, Hamptonite, fabulously fashionable being has no clue of what is going on under her nose. People stealing, showing up late, taking advantage of her niceness. Here is to Frank & Jan, the most irresponsible and non-business savvy people in the world. I have an MBA Frank! Dont try to explain to me what a P&L is! I can teach you that.

Do I sound bitter? I know! These 2 people believe that the world begins and ends with a 21 year old store manager named Zhariff. Real name. This guy is still a college student, no training in the real world and he believes that he is God's gift to women. His hormones are raging. I dont think there is a girl in that store that he hasn't slept with yet. And the funny thing is that he dates them, promotes them, and then, of course, fires them.

First of all I hate all you people who are phoney and try to get ahead in the work place by pretending like you don't fart or milk the time clock or take total advantage of your position. All you "yes" girls and boys need to get real and quit kissing the bosses ass think outside the box once in a freaking while. Say what you think and not what you think people want to hear. Favortism kills me. I HATE ASS KISSERS. You know some bosses have there little crew ass kissers and tattlers that are always in your business and up your ass watching your every move so they have something to impress the boss with. I guess it takes all kinds but what really pisses me off the most is that it is almost impossible to get ahead in the world of business based on your ability to do your job. If you want to get ahead you have to suck the boss off or kiss his/her ass. IT MAKES ME WANNA PUKE.

(Posted by YOU SUCK)

Dear AE,

I know you think I'm stupid and that puts me in an excellent position to screw with you. Don't use your fake charm to sell me, I won't buy anything from you. Any shortcuts you think you'll find to get out of following procedures will only be temporary and when I discover what you've done, you and I are really gonna have trouble.

Calling me 'sweety' or overusing the ma'am bit while patting me on the back as you walk by only ensures that your orders get 'lost' or 'mishandled'. You've seen my errors when they were accidental...you should see what I can do on purpose.

Go ahead, complain to your boss that I'm so mean and nasty to you and tell her that if I find out you've complained about me I'll ruin your orders. Hmm...smartest (and truest) thing you've said since you got here.

I've been working with account executives for 16 years. There is no trick you can find that I haven't seen before. I know when you guys pad your orders, try to get the new gal in my dept. to be your secretary, or claim you're making calls out of town when you're actually sitting on your duff at home.

It's hard to say the exact moment our co-worker-----well, lost it.

- Maybe it was when she started swearing and spewing racial epithets when we had visitors in the office.
- Maybe it's when she yells loudly on her phone at her family in Ukrainian (at least if she fought in English, we could understand what she was saying and get all the gritty details).
- Maybe it was on December 23 when she called stores in New Orleans (yup, just this last year) asking if they could ship her clients Creole-styled Turduckens (the stuffed turkey, duck, chicken culinary thing) as gifts. (OK, an editorial comment, we live in Minnesota -- the land of Lutefisk and other bland food. No one wants a Turducken, much less a Creole-styled one, showing up on their door on Christmas day.) Unfortunately, they were all out and she had to drive the 100 feet to the department store across the street to purchase gift cards instead. No, the woman doesn't walk anywhere. Her feet hurt.
- Maybe it's because for the last three years, she has worn one of two outfits. See she's gained a little (50 lbs+ ) weight and she's working on losing it and just doesn't want to spend the money on new clothes. See her feet hurt and it's hard to get exercise. When she brings back pictures from vacation, they rarely have people in them. She takes pictures of the food she's eaten. "Check out this spread."

He's about to be fired, which is a very good thing. Billy Budd (Editor's note: name has been changed) from Newport Rhode Island, I honestly pray you are reading this, in fact, I'm going to send the link to this page when your ass is finally gone. How did you lie your way past the interview at my beloved company? How the hell did you manage to keep your job for almost a full year by doing almost nothing? You were sup-par at best as a entry-level analyst, yet you were hired as senior-level and got paid more than me, and I had to train you. Which would have been ok, but you never showed an ounce of initiative or drive and this pisses me off more than anything. 'Here's a position full of opportunity and pays you more than you deserve' your answer? 'no, i don't want it, i'm going to piss it away instead and make all my co-workers hate me.'

You are the laziest, most worthless person I have had to work with--ever. That's counting Burger king when I was 19. No exaggeration dude, live with that fact.

You love to blame other people for your shortcomings, especially me. Oh did you ever love to blame me for all the crap you screwed up on. how is it that people I gave half the training I gave you , went 10 times farther? Yet you look at me like i'm the bad guy because you weren't spoon-food every little detail like a whiny little 13 year old needy bitch?

When I was in high school I worked at an Ice cream shop. We had these huge cans of caramel and one day I was trying to reopen one, someone had left the lid attached to the can so, it was all sticky of course. I was trying to lift up the lid, it slipped and sliced my middle finger on my right hand. Once I got it to stop bleeding I called the owner to ask what I should do. When I finished telling him what I had done he snapped back with "Well what did you do that for? That's like sticking your finger in a mouse trap to see if it works!"

These two new girls are so annoying, that I'm even considerng leaving work. One of them is fine and the other she has this attitude that says 'she is the best and she has it all.' Well, she is from a rich family, but that doesn't give her the right to look down on other people. She even dresses casually when coming into the office. Her superiors like her, they are not complaining that she is not doing well in her job. She hasn't got a single client, but they are not saying anything. I hate her so much.

(Posted by Anonymous)

Everybody looks at porn. If you don't then either you're dead or lying. Still, there's a time and a place...and watching inappropriate movies at work during a normal work day is neither the time nor the place. My co-worker has taken it upon himself to peruse the indecents at all times of the day, whenever he's got a lighter work-load. The offensive materials range from mere pictures to full out videos with sound. Three problems with this are that he's slightly hard of hearing, so minimizing his already small 'porn' window in time for me to round the corner normally falls short. Number 2 is that he's relatively close to the kitchen. I just started this job, and if I notice it on the way to get my lunch then everyone notices it on the way to get their lunches. Finally, though we are an engineering firm, we do have a couple of women who work in our office. If this guy wants a reason to get fired quickly, he should keep popping up that picture of the splayed out ethnic woman who's being pleasured by someone else's entire hand (right...that's the kind of detail you can quickly get before he's able to catch on that you're watching). Needless to say, my new career with this company is safe while he's still here.

(Posted by Anonymous)

About 8 years ago, when I was a young 22 year old newlywed, I took a job at a small medical distributor. The three partners "retired"(READ division closed) from THE major international manufacturer of OTC drugs and first aid supplies and took one of their products with them (as a golden parachute) and formed this new company. 2 of the partners were "silent" (took a paycheck but weren't actively involved in the day-to-day business decisions) and the other 1 who I refer to as Jabba was the active partner (he got a much larger paycheck! I worked in the accounting department...)

First, Jabba turned out to be a major league drunk (drinking from sun up to sun down, even a stash in his desk) and massive eater of garlic. Second, Jabba was married to the Snow Queen aka White Witch of the North (in the Chronicles of Narnia fashion). While Jabba was busy being drunk and eating garlic, the evil Snow Queen was making all of the decisions. There was a 3rd person in the relationship- an odd little Goth chic who was the same age as me but was married to a transvestite and had a 6 year old daughter. Little Goth Chic was the Snow Queens clone physically and I imagine that she was involved sexually somehow with Jabba & SQ because she literally missed 60 days of work in one year and they didn't think a thing of it (for no other reason than hangovers!)...meanwhile if I was out one day all hell broke loose.

My 40 year old female co-worker talks in baby talk all day long. Instead of getting up from her desk and walking over to someone, she lets her voice carry thoughout the office (in baby talk) distracting all of the other co-workers. When she leaves the office for meetings, she calls me from her mobile phone to ask "Do you mish me?" It's even worse when she is in a bad mood and does not speak in baby talk-instead its a very creepy monotone/blank stare.

(Posted by Anonymous)

Why do I hate my coworker? Well, it could be because she treats the bathroom as her personal home away from home, keeping her cheesy romance novels in there so that she can read during her twice daily half hour trips. She also insists on talking to anyone who is in the bathroom while she is. I have caught her snooping through my desk drawers on three seperate occasions, and we don't even work in the same department. Not to mention the fact that she records the exact times that everyone enters and leaves the office in a little black notebook, she will comment if you take 5 extra minutes at lunch and actually ask you where you were (she has no authority over anyone). Needless to say, she makes coming into the office a real treat.

(Posted by Anonymous)

I hate my co-worker because he uses the term "broads" when referring to the women he dates. I especially hate him when he chooses to spout said term while reaching over (invariably for a donut), revealing why we've taken to calling him, "The Crack Attack."

Now, I could try to explain how his cologne makes me shudder, or why I cringe when he pops his gum and then shoots me the "finger guns." And I could talk about that time he bought our boss a copy of "The Banger Sisters" for her birthday, and then went on to describe how she could watch it when she's feeling "all psycho, you know, during that time of the month." Yes, nothing would bring me more bitchy glee than to discuss his shortcomings. But I fear I haven't the space nor the words to adequately express my hate.

Dearest Ice Queen,

You are my co-worker on a technicality. My boss is your boyfriend and he works out of the house you share and wants you to feel involved in his "life". This does not mean you can whiz through the office in a freaking nightie and ask me a million questions. Especially not ones that go "Did you do that whatchamcalit for the thingie he needed to pick up yesterday?"

I know your saying I'm just full of hate and I secretly want your boyfriend but since you don't know me here is the low down and dirty. Your man and I see eye to eye. Yes, we agree on many things but that's not what I'm talking about. Homeslice and I are exactly the same height. That won't work. Momma likes em tall. Besides he's old. Like my dad old. Not cool...not cool at all.

So please dearest stick to decorating or whatever it is you supposedly do. Because I show up to do hardcore officing. Little girls like you could wind up with a papercut or a staple to the forehead if your not careful.

Love Always,

The One who stares at you blankly at least twice everday.

I work with a woman that smells so bad that people have floor fans to blow the air AWAY from them.

She is of an ethic culture that considers it wrong to bath on regular basis or use products to prevent odor. Man oh man it's enough to make a girls eyes water.

I work in the IT area so have had to visit this user and I have to do my job in short time frames because I would spew my insides if I stayed too long. Her body odor has been addreseds and every time it happens she screams discrimination. SO WHAT YA DO?????

She's currently on leave and the fans have stopped (for now).

(Posted by Karlee)

I was in the furniture industry and the company was "down-sized" and several of us was fired. I collected a some unemployment and I ran out of money so...my office manager at the furniture place suggested this other company was looking for a Service Coordinator or a Scheduler. She felt I would be good for this position due to my expertise in furniture and she had gotten a cushy job at a major furniture store and this upholsterer was one of her Service Techs for repairs. I apply, I get the job because of her ref and lo and behold...I really like this job at first. Everyone is really nice. But small things start to creep up. Like I am on the books, but he writes my check out of his check book. I do not see any deductions for State Taxes and Social Security..And Holidays...There are NO paid holidays whatsoever. None I tell you!!! They are Turkish and not even the Muslim holidays are paid. No sick days, no excused days, no days period. You lose a day you lose your pay.

I used to work for a music PR firm in midtown and my boss, who was also the company founder, was a complete pyscho. The type who would breeze into the office no earlier than 1pm and then scream at us for not doing things she never asked us to do. She also had a considerable coke habit (dealers used to come to the office to make deliveries), which may have contributed to her paranoid delusions.

One evening after I'd left work, she went on my computer and read all the emails in my sent file. When she found several pitches I'd sent editors seeking freelance writing assignments (to supplement the pathetic "salary" she paid me), she assumed that I was doing publicity for my own clients using her resources and contacts - which was an absolutely absurd accusation. She stuck to her assumption that Monday morning however, when she fired me and went so far as to accuse me of planning to start my own PR firm to compete with her and steal her business.

(Posted by Anonymous)

Why I hate my co-workers? Because I'm tired of cleaning up their messes after the come in the next day hung over. I hate it when the "forget" how to do payroll and the fuck it up so much, we get charged for the mistake. I hate my co-workers because they drink in the office while I'm working on cleaning up their messes. I hate them and their fake attitudes. Bull shit your sorry!

I deal with this day in and day out and no matter what I do, I'm the whipping girl.

(Posted by Anonymous)

So I was working at my glamorous new job as a bookseller when we got in a new book called the "Dictionary of Corporate Bullshit." Of course, having been through two vastly different but still idiotic corporate worlds before deciding retail was amazingly more honest about it's negative aspects, it piqued my interest.

Flipping through, I found the entry for "fired" where the book proclaims that it's actually really hard to get fired because of the possibility of lawsuits, so usually companies just make your life miserable so that you quit on your own.

Really? Is THAT what they were doing? I must be just too stubborn for my own good because I've been fired not once but TWICE. Not only that but at two consecutive jobs, both of which lasted only a month or a week shy of a full year. Did I mention they were my first full time jobs since graduating college?

Yeah, bitter isn't always a strong enough word for the emotions that come up when I think about the whole thing. But it makes sense in a way, because a lesser person would never have put up with the stack of indignities I faced.

The first job was a glorified receptionist at a hotel. Here I am with a Bachelor's Degree, fresh out of a liberal arts college with a major in film and photography, and I'm answering the phone and taking credit card numbers from people who don't speak English. It was thrilling.

When I took the job, it was after being promoted from within, so I knew a lot about the position, having dealt with the person who occupied it for months. She had her own office, she was in charge of things, she got things done, she didn't have to wear a uniform.

I started working at this great company in 2004. I went through 3 Interviews, IQ tests, and one accounting test. I thought I was set since I had been unemployed for 8 months, and the pay was great. The boss seemed nice and everyone there was wonderful, as I was introduced to them. Except when it came to the person that was going to train me. She was quiet and very cutthroat. She never smiled and was very standoffish. She was this tall fat African-American lady wearing a cheap wig. I immediately felt a chill. Her voice is that of a mosquito buzzing in your ear on a hot July night, when you're very sleepy. I kept clearing my throat wanting her to take the hint, but up to this day she hasn't.

Well the training has been the worst, she changes and omits information on her own will. She doesn't give me any information, and ignores and makes fun of everything. She criticizes my clothes. She makes my life really hard and if I don't get things right the first time - too bad, I'm assed out.

I was hired to take half of her workload, but we have equal positions. She talks down to me and doubts everything I have said or done. She's goes through everything I do. When she goes on vacation, I'm her backup. She will change all the passwords, so we have to get the IT person involved. She goes above and beyond to make me look like an incompetent fool, and tells everything I do wrong or right to our boss. The first week of me working there, she invited me to lunch and straight out told me no one informed her of my existence or that I would be her equal. She thought I was her replacement. Then when she comes back she makes sure to tell me all the mistakes that I have made.

1. Every day at 10:00 comes to his desk, which is right next mine (we don't even have a cubicle wall separating us), with a can of Coke and a bag of chips--Dorriots, pork rinds, funyuns, or fritos. He then loudly slurps his Coke--slurp slurp slurp and then crunches down on his chips with his mouth open so I can hear every crunch happening in his mouth. Then to top it all off he burps, constantly and loudly until 10:15 AM when his morning break is over. The sound of the burping are the loud long ones, the kinds that one does in the privacy of one's home. Finally, to make it better, the office smells like burped up pork rinds, dorritos, funyuns.

2. He steals chairs! Yes, he does. His previous work chair was a bit disgusting, to say the least. Our chairs at work our burgundy, but his was such a dull burgundy color. It had these stains all over them and if you sat in his chair it sort of leaned forward so you felt like you were going to fall off. His chair was definitely recognizable--the only one in the office that looked so weird and gross. One day we get to work and my other office mate notices that her chair looks different. Her chair used to be a bright burgundy, now it is dull with stains and slopes forwards. Seemed a bit coincidental, so we go to "Allen's" desk and see that his gross chair is no longer there and his chair is, all of a sudden, bright and burgundy. Methinks that someone swapped chairs without saying anything. When confronted, he played dumb, like we didn't know.

She takes advantage of the free coffee and employee discounts, bosses us veterans around, dresses like a 2 dollar hooker when she should be covering up, smothers us in saccharine sweetness, and just generally makes everyones skin crawl. Last week, my boss thanked me for not bitch slapping her. I have a feeling she won't be around very long.

I knew the second the new girl walked in that she just wasn't going to fit. I work with all females and a male boss at a local coffee shop. We all get along and work well together and even spend time outside of work together. The new girl, we'll call here Trixie, is a 35 (so she says) year old mother of three horribly behaved children, whom she brings to work even after being told not to. She loves to brag about how she is just a super mom, and has time to make tacky beaded jewelry! She admits she's poor, as are most of us working there, but comes to work in knee-high boots, tight skirts, tight velvet shirts circa 1995, and her hair all done up. She loves to brag about her deals at Good Will...hey I shop there too but I make it look good. Anyway, one day she had the nerve to tell one of our best workers that "we could probably get more tips if we all dressed nicer". Trixie was all decked out in her normal ridiculous attire while my coworker was wearing the company t-shirt and jeans. The next day that coworker and I worked together in t shirts and shorts and made a killing on tips. Maybe it's more about the service than cheap skanky clothes.

Ok, so here's my "firing" story. I haven't forgotten it for 5 years it was so bad, so please, please, let me have this book.

The year: 2001.

The job: "Volunteer" editorial assistant. I was a few years out of school, and I was having trouble getting a job on a magazine, so I called a small magazine and asked if I could work for free.

Job tasks:

--opening mail during the Anthrax scare. I was scared and wore gloves and a mask. (Don't laugh; we were all paranoid, remember?)
--walking a mile to their old office to get their mail. Every week. No cab or bus fare provided.
--carrying a package so heavy it almost delimbed me.
--cleaning out bookcase of editor who gave me the evil eye the entire time.

The result from all my hard work?: Rarely did a thank-you ever escape their lips. Never got even a stipend.

Funniest moment (but only in hindsight): My editor asked me if I could refrain from wearing "the ER getup" while opening letters. A camera crew was coming in to film them.

I realize that I chose my job but it's still my job. I'm a stripper, I work at a large club and I have a lot of customers after 3 years. Therefore, I don't dance or talk to people that I don't know. I don't NEED their money and it's a waste of my time, I have customers of my own.

So why do they think that I HAVE to pay attention to them, that I HAVE to treat them nicely? I don't, it's NOT a requirement. It's NOT my job, my job is to be hot and sexy, not nice and stupi. Don't get all pissy because I won't shake my ass in your face on stage for a FUCKING DOLLAR. If I shake my ass for a minute in your face that's 7 bucks in the back in a room. Yeah, I don't give a flying fuck about your dollar. You obviously need it a hell of a lot more than I do.

Oh, and by the way: Just because you give someone $20 does not mean you get to suck their nipples either...

Sitting at this desk all day makes my neck hurt.

I'm so effing bored I could rip out my hair & strangle myself with it.

Let me regale you with a tale of the best part of working at the mall when I was 16...

WORST EMPLOYEE EVER.

I went through a pretty ugly punk rock phase in highschool, complete with shaved head and nothing but plaid pants so the only place I could get a part time job [looking a mess] was one of two really tacky/trendy clothing stores. My responsibilities there included greeting customers, I was really no good at that...mostly I'd sit on the folding table and kind of roll my eyes at anyone who walked in. Working the cash register, but I was usually too high to handle that. Watching over the dressing room area, except when my friends came in & I let them take whatever they wanted. And straightening up & keeping the store organized...yeah, I was really good at that...just kidding.

Mostly I would just wander around the mall. Friends would come visit and hang out behind the counter. Everyone would take turns watching the store while we smoked pot in the back room.

So it's a few years ago and I was living about an hour from where I grew up I had just had my daughter and her father came home and proclaimed he "had changed his mind"! Can you do that? So there I was with an infant no job and moving back to my home town. My mother was working for a Steel Company it was an office they bought and sold secondary crap really. Well I started coming in part time to help them get organized it was a husband and wife who owned the company. The husband whom I now refer to as Shrek (I wish I had a picture if there were ever a human who looked like a cartoon)! He calls me in his office and says I really like your work ethic you seem to be catching on I would like to offer you a job.

So cut to the good part about a year later he had hired an "old friend" who was a female, oh look I smell divorce! And that is what happened a few months later he and his wife are getting a divorce now Shrek up to this point was a pretty okay boss he liked to yell and scream and stomp his feet but that was about as far as it went. I was good at my job. Well the "old friend" then hires her sister who PS is a HUGE DRUNK and normally comes into the office after lunch smashed! So what does Shrek do he rewards her with a red mustang! Wow is it really possible he is nailing both of them! YEP as Drunky the clown let me know in one of her drunken stupors!

The saga continues, after the jump.

Technorati Tags: Booze, Mistress, steel

I love my job, mainly because I have one. I don't do anything special, I'm a purchasing assistant for a vacuum cleaner supply distributor. My hours are good, my office is nice, my boss is great. Where else can you work in an office position and wear sweats when its cold or you don't feel good? The owner has a house across the country and spends at least 3 months out of the year there. It's great!! That's why I love my job- nothing fancy, and no major pressure, unless you really screw something up.

(Posted by Anonymous)

I work for one of the most two faced, evil biatches ever! She can go from smiling and being my bestest friend to bitching and threatening to fire me in a heartbeat! She constantly belittles me and makes me feel stupid. Yesterday, she got mad because I went to the restroom without telling her. She said she never knew where I was. Excuse me, this woman is not my mother! I am not required to inform her of my every movement!

(Posted by starla)

I work in a law office and I have a selfish, obnoxious co-worker who does absolutely no work. When she does have work she works hard at giving it to anyone else to do. She lies about her workload saying that she does things when she does not. She claims that she has a lot of work to do but when you see her in her office she is usually playing Internet video games.

To make matters worse, she brings three dogs to work and lets them run wild. They piss and poop all over the office leaving a trail of dog defecation all over the office for the reception to clean up. When you ask her to take care of her dogs her question is what-- you dont like dogs? Her pissing and pooping pets are only second to her 5 year old child who also comes to work running around and watching teletubbies at full volume for over an hour. This woman is an abomination to every hard working woman in the world.

(Posted by N.K.)

I love my job because I got to fire my evil arch enemy.

(Posted by Anonymous)

My co-worker, I'll call him Tony, is one of the most unbeilviably smelly people on the planet. Hygenie is one of the issues. (I dread the moments when Tony has to bring me a file, and hand it over to me. I have to hold my breath when he lifts his arm to hand me the file, because otherwise, I really do think that I would puke. It's that putrid.

I have talked to our supervisor about this, and she's just doesn't have the balls to say anything to him. We don't deal with the public really in our office, so she feels that it isn't that big of an issue.

Tony also favors gyros. So, on top of the body odor, you have the gyro smell too. If you dare to walk by his cubicle, he smells like onions and meat. I've developed a path to avoid have to do that.

A few of us our considering writing a letter and sticking it in his mailbox in complaint about the stench. We are crossing our fingers that this will work. Has anyone else ever had to deal with this?

(Posted by L.D.)

I hate my co-worker CW. He is the IT Guy and makes sure EVERYONE knows how much smarter he is then everyone else. He calls me trailer trash because I don't know how to use DOS. Who the fuck uses DOS anymore! Strange thing is that his house is two blocks from my house and we live no where near a trailer park or a trailer whatsoever. He never makes eye contact when he talks to you either; he always looks over you; like he's looking at the person behind you. If you don't bow down to his incredible genius he calls you names like "poopyhead"! He even said once to me, "I know you are but what am I" then he stomped off and locked himself in his office. You could see him on the surveillance monitor in there rocking back and forth with a frown on his face. We all stood there and laughed our asses off at him.

If one of the employees here is having problems at home, maybe divorce is impending. He makes sure to soften the blow by telling the person that he met his wife and married her after a week of dating. They are deeply in love and that maybe if they'd chosen the right person in the first place like he did this wouldn't be happening to them.

That was the ever so pleasant question that started off my day today. My response to that question was "excuse me?" Which was followed by the requisite, "I know this is not your fault, but I'm just so frustrated by your bank." While I truly felt this clients frustration, why do people think that if they are all pissy and bitchy that a customer service issue will be solved more promptly?

It's actually the total opposite. I am less inclined to help out a client, or I should say, go beyond the call of duty, if a client is ultra bitchy. I'll pull out all the stops for a client who states their story in a calm and professional way. When did people stop learning how to stifle certain frustrations? I mean, if a missing ATM card throws them for a loop, imagine how they will react when say, they are in a fender bender?

I'm on the consumer side of things daily, and would never imagine saying anything like that to someone. You're in a public business for goodness sake. There are better ways to get your point across than verbally berating someone who is trying to help you.

(Posted by Frustrated)

I really hate my co-worker, Rossco. All day while I am on the computer, he looks at me with this pathetic face and practically begs me to bring him his breakfast. Even worse, periodically, I have to escort him to the toilet...that lazy bastard!

I am currently unemployed and searching for work all day on the computer, and Rossco is my 9-year-old Dachshund.

Picture an extremely small town in Texas, Lorenzo. The Lorenzo City Counsel was hiring one City Manager and two clerks. That was the entire office. I was married into a prominent family at the time and the city counsel decided I would be the first clerk they would hire. The City Manager was hired next. He was a terminated police officer from another small town.....a total Idiot. There comes along a lovely, incredibly competitive woman for Clerk #2. She hated me.

It was noticed by all that the Clerk #2 and Manager began flirting around. They were both married to other people, of course.

As the City Manager (Rick) was an Idiot, he thought he could re-do the City budget and give Clerk #2 (Trish was her name) a sudden raise in salary. When I confronted him, he said it was used as a promotion to Trish and a demotion to me. Note that I was a very quiet person, but smart and a good worker. I was to do any job that required Math as Trish never finished High School. I am serious.

I work with this guy that is facing aggravated assault charges for "accidentally" breaking a beer bottle over someone's head. The reason you ask? Well apparently ( this is his story) he was at his friends warehouse party and a girl just decided to take a pee, right there in front of everyone. My co-worker being the noble person that he is went over and told her she couldn't do that there and was trying to escort her out of the room. The girls boyfriend came over and took a swing at my co-worker(let's refer to him as satan) so satan in a move to defend himself went to throw a punch back and forgot he had a beer bottle in his hand breaking it on this guys face and giving him something like 60 stitches on his face.

Here are some of the things I have to deal with at work. A fellow co-worker came over to talk to my neighbor and satan doesn't like this person very much so he started barking at her like a dog. He was standing up and looking right at her and imitating a dog. I have to sit across from this guy and he is constantly saying things under his breath with comments directed towards me. When I confront him on it he calls me paranoid and neurotic and tells my other co-workers that I am crazy. So needless to say my work environment has gone from tolerable to completely the opposite.

I have the dubious distinction of having held a variety of really shitty jobs. REALLY. SHITTY. JOBS. And while I do not want to make the argument that any of them are worse than what I have seen on this site, it is safe to say a couple of them are unique in this regard: the bullshit didn't end when I left. Be advised there is no happy ending to this story--- yet anyway--- but time is working on my side. Read on and you'll understand...

Job #1: I was an advertising sales assistant at an in-room hotel publication. Unbeknownst to me at the time I was hired, I was walking into a "situation"--- and by using the word 'situation' I am talking about a study in female office dynamics that makes "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane" look like water ballet. You see, I was to work under two women and one was the immediate supervisor of the other. The uber-boss, we'll call her "Blanche", was brought in to supervise my under-boss, who I will henceforth call "Jane".

Jane had applied for the uber-boss position and was passed over in favor of an outside candidate (Blanche). This probably came to pass because Jane is a fucking psycho (as I soon learned): enabling her to supervise anyone would be on par with letting Michael Jackson run a day care facility. Bad idea. In any case, I had already become a pawn between two women who despised each other. Great.

In the interest of brevity I will forgo talking about Blanche's psychotic behavior, as Jane behavior was much more venal...

It started with small stuff: Jane would bitch at me for messing up her file system (I never know there was a 'system', looked piles of shit to me) or she would claim I did not send/give her some vital piece of paper work (and I'd re-send the emails addressed to her proving I did). That's roughly when she told me I had to email her each time I put something in her inbox (because it was not an 'in' box it was a compost heap).

I work at at Neiman Marcus in a major city, and I have a co-worker who has to be the most utterly clueless homosexual ever. I won't even go into his sense of fashion, or the fact that his nose hairs are always sprouting out of his nose. The only reason he's still working at Neiman's is because he's sleeping with one of the managers, who is totally hot. I can't imagine what he sees in "Ted."

Ted either lives under a rock or is maybe isn't gay after all. We work in the shoe department, and who walks onto the floor, but Cher. I have to say, the surgery is pretty flawless because she doesn't look 60. Anyway, no she didn't walk in with a feathered headdress on and a wearing only a g-string, but Cher is Cher right?

I worked for a "cocunut" family who owned a veterinary clinic.

The father was a veterinarian as well as his middle son. then we had the mother who did all the paperwork. The youngest worked as an assistant in the back with the doctors and finally the older brother, he was the so called the "boss". He had no skills but his mother thought the world of him.

While he would be sitting down I would walk by him and drop a few chips or pieces of little papers on his head. He would walk around serving clients and all of a sudden he would tilt his head the papers or chips would fall, he used to get very upset at me and would tell me to stop it. (I didn't).

Anyhoos after a few months of this he finally said enough and sent me packing in his letter he said that I did not show professionalism at work. Funny, I now work in a Deputy Minister's office.

(Posted by Michelle)

i worked at a high powered hollywood agency, this is back in 2002 , before MOST people were blogging, maybe even you miu.

well, i used my blog as a journal for my big move to LA to work for said agency and blogged every party, every rumor, idea, random story and musing on my life.

my friends read it and loved, but no one at the agency knew.

i started blogging about how much i hated my boss (now a high powered agent) and after he and i got into a disagreement, i left and wrote a rant about how much i hated him.

i got on a really powerful agent's desk and was fired going down in a blaze of glory. the blog address was revealed and sent around the agency. i'm pretty sure i was blackballed for about 6 months cause i could not get a job.

i rebounded...learned alot, but that was hilarious and i'm a legend at that agency. people liked me cause my work spoke for itself, i was a hard worker, but i'm reknowned for my mouth, loud, sarcastic, obnoxious, unique.

(Posted by Anonymous)

I was recently fired from my job at a major bank. The fact is, the whole incident was totally my fault. I had a crush on "Mark'' (think Ryan Phillippe's slightly older brother) for the last year, and jumped at every opportunity to work with him. We were both assigned to a branch promotion, and had to come up with some type of event for our wealthier clients (who cares about the poor ones, right).

We had tried to work on the projects during office hours, but working in a busy branch like ours, it was extremely hard to find the time. So Mark suggested that we work one night after banking hours. I was up for it. I mean anything to let me spend some more time with Mark - why the hell not.

So we end up staying one evening, and work steadily for the first hour or so. Mark finds a bottle of wine that was in our storage room from a previous bank function, and we decide to open it. We don't get overtime, so consider this our bonus. Well, we end up getting a bit tipsy, and one thing leads to another, and we end up having sex in the ATM room.

Two days later, Mark and I are called into our managers office, and he informs us that we are both fired. Security had reviewed the video tape (we honestly didn't even think of that), because there had been a discrepancy in the ATM balancing from that day. Well needless to say, I have never been so embarrassed in my life.

And guess what, Mark never spoke to me again after that day. I was such an idiot.

(Posted by Anonymous)

I love my job because we have in and out boxes (which I have to empty every hour)! My boss gets creative with her out box by putting her stapler in it when she needs staples, or by putting an empty post-it wrapper in it because she needs more post-its! But my favorite of all time has to be when she put her cup in her out box because she wanted more water. I LOVE MY JOB!!

Well I was just laid off on Monday. Our company announced back in September that our division had been sold. Due to numerous inaccuracies with the company's financial statements and auditing issues the deal dragged on for 5 months until Friday when the sale was finally complete.

Flash Forward three days to Monday morning. I was on a conference call...in other words doing my job at 9 am...when my boss calls me and the other three women I work with into her office and announces that we have all been laid off. Seven people in our department of 14 got the axe. I have never been more floored in my life!!

The thing that pissed me off the most though was when we all had our exit interviews 1) it was via conference call...they couldn't even send someone down to our office in Texas to do it in person and 2) the first thing out of the HR reps' mouth is "First I want to apologize..." Gimme a FREAKING BREAK!!! Apologize are you kidding me?!

It's like I gave this company 5 years and with no notice whatsoever you tell me to pack my shit and get out!

(Posted by Anonymous)

I was fired from Champps restaurant for sexually harassing a woman. A 300lb woman. This is really exciting because I am married and a mother of two. Obviously my boss did not like me. She claimed this by telling the other woman that her parents where difficult and this created a hostile work environment and that constituted sexual harrassment. This job does not go on my resume.

(Posted by Anonymous)

Editors Note: Huh?

I have a coworker that I simply cannot stand. We'll call him Doug. It's hard to know where to start when it comes to describing Doug, but I'll try.

For starters, there is Doug's hygiene. Before I started with the company, they were operating out of a much smaller workspace, and from what I hear, the guy who sat next to Doug actually had to go a supervisor and talk to him about how bad Doug smelled, between the B.O. and the farting. Now we're in a bigger office, but even so, the two people who sit closest to him keep fans on their desks to redirect the smell. I could not make this up.

He has long hair that is washed approximately once a week, from the looks of it. It's always pulled back in a greasy ponytail. His chair and his keyboard are literally coated in dandruff. I looked at his keyboard one day and couldn't believe it. He doesn't shave often enough, so he's always got major stubble, and his fingernails are black underneath from dirt. He's also probably a good 100 pounds overweight, which is his own choice and not really my problem in and of itself, but his clothing does not fit. He's got an enormous gut, and his button down shirts gape in the front and expose it. He also chooses to wear his pants under the gut, rather than over it, which results in dangerously low-riding pants and glimpses of his ass crack way more often than I care to think about. I just find it hard to believe, and a little sad, that someone has so little concern for hygiene and appearances.

How I hate pretentious people! Working as a temp, I imagine that its par for course to have to work with people that think they're better than you- luckily for me, most of my experiences haven't been that bad. Until this week.

First of all, let me describe the office I'm working in. It's a financial office (don't ask me what exactly they do I couldn't tell you) and as such, there's a secure key-card entry door. EVERYBODY has a key card- even I get a key card, but why is it that the whole company is lazy??? Besides being a receptionist, I'm also a glorified doorman thanks to a little button I have under my desk that unlocks the door. I have do my reception-ing duties as well as keep a sharp eye for people walking up to the door (who work here and all have cards) so I can press the button to save them the 3 steps it takes to swipe the card. God forbid I'm looking down or something or I'll get one of 3 things: 1) The Irritated expression (Oh-my-God-I-have-to-reach-into-my-pocket-find-my-card-and-walk-over-and-swipe-it); 2)The Bemused expression (I'm-confused-why-isn't-the-door-open?) or my personal favourite; 3)The tap on the glass door (Hello-look-up-please-and-see-me-standing-here). Either that or I'll get a combination of the three (#1 and #3 together are sooo obnoxious).

I just think in general office workers are lazy. They sit for most of the day and when they actually walk around the thought of adding a few extra steps to swipe their card is apparently abhorrent. Of course I'm an office worker now too- but look at me! I'm writing this blog AT WORK!!! Laziness is a disease and it's spreading. When I first started doing this work, I was so eager to find things to do. Coming from a retail environment (as a merchandiser) I was used to a frenetic pace of work. Working in an office is completely different. Here, everyone is so used to having things done for them. Coffee that magically appears (me), a dishwasher lest they soil their hands (I load it), and a magical fridge that never runs out of tasty drinks (I restock it ) etc. Now, I've almost become one of them. I surf the internet all day, read the newspaper a little bit, check my mail and basically do nothing. I pretend to want more work in order to 'seem' eager, but in reality I'm happy getting paid to do nil. I tell you, it's a disease.

I hope there's not a word limit because this is going to be the longest post EVER.

God...What can I say about Patty's.

I guess most of the shit...well, you just had to be there. But honestly, this was 100x crazier than that stupid Johnathan Antin Salon. WE should've had the reality show.

I was a stylit's assistant at one of "Baltimore's 'BEST' salons" for two years. We'll call it Patty's, for short.

I should probably first mention that the owner is about 200 years old, thick accent, white hair slicked back into a ponytail, always wears the same shirt &slacks with the top three buttons undone, white beard...more yellowish really; my boyfriend always said he looked like a wizzard. Now here's where it gets good. He had a trach which he'd always forget to put in the little metal piece so he'd have to stick his finger in it to speak. &when he actually remembered to wear it it would, on many occasions, pop out with a loud QUACKing sound and literally shoot across the room. One of the other assistants was also a nursing student so he volunteered her to clean it out for him. Lucky girl. He would smack the assistants on the ass and make innapropriate comments on a dialy basis, mind you we were all between the ages of 17-24. He found out that I had worked as a cocktail waitress at well...a stip club and commented that maybe he'd come and watch me dance (to which I insisted that I wasn't a dancer...&he then insisted that I should be).

Now, on to co-workers from hell...
Around december he hired a new stylist who'd recently closed her own shop due to financial issues and with her she brouhgt her own assistant. She herself was quite...well...she was a total cunt. She couldn't possibly work at one of the open stations, she made another stylist who'd been there for ages pack up and relocate to the other side of the shop. She was rude and just had this phony-ass demenor, like the kind of person that is all smiles to your face then runs and talks shit about you constantly. The girl she brought with her, we absolutely could not stand. She could not follow directions. Would not close properly even months after she'd been there. She was late EVERYDAY and left early EVERY night. She'd just...not show up at all. [&never got fired because the owner was terrified of black people.] We'd make fun of her mercilessly...but she was kind of slow to catch on. I feel bad about it now because she's a shitty employee, but she's definitely a fun girl to hang out with. But anyway, this stylist's clients , most of them anyway, were just as rude as she was. The salon offered ALL hair services, obviously meaning that we were trained on ALL hair types (simply stated, yes, even us white girls knew how to take care of balck people's hair); if one of us had to take on her client because her assistant, as usual, was late or had called out, she'd send them over and they'd scowl at you and act like you had no idea what you were doing, "uh are you gonna scrub hard enough?" (Sure, I can make your scalp bleed if that's what you'd like. I'll wear gloves) "you ever rinsed a perm before?"(No, I've only been working in the salon industry for four years. What's that?). And of course, they never tipped. She would yell out for you to bring her stuff from across the room, make you drop what you were doing to sweep her station, never said please or thank you.

I worked at a horrible company for almost two years. I really pity the people still there. Anyhoo, while employed there, I met my now boyfriend (of almost two years). We dated, and kept things between us strictly professional while at work. But, soon enough, the rumor-mill started cranking, and people were gossiping. Now, this company, at the time had a "no dating" policy. But, we didn't care...both of us knew that we'd be outta there soon enough. But, here's the clincher...my boss called me into his office on three separate occassions to speak to me about my budding relationship with my boyfriend. I, of course, denied our relationship until the day one of us left. But, the funny thing is...I couldn't help but not laugh at my boss to his face during these three conversations. Because the son of a bitch actually left his ex-wife, for his secretary! I mean, c'mon!! Don't throw bricks if you live in a glass house.

Now, I'm 6 months into my new job. I just heard through some old co-workers that my boss is going through his second divorce. Poor fella.

(Posted by Lee-lo)

I type this with hesistant fingers, as I'm sure my ex-boss (who ALWAYS works SOOOOO hard) is probably surfing the Web, looking at porn and trying to steal other groups' ideas, as I write this. Whew, deep breath, here goes.

I am a hard working college graduate, who wanted to make the world a better place, post-graduation. I joined a non-profit and proceeded to barely endure the worst year and half of my life under the most incompetent, tyrannical, miserable, fugliest, unhappiest boss ever. (Well, if you could call her a boss, her management skills were similar to those of a gorilla who had undergone a lobotomy. Shit-throwing included.)

This person had it out for me from the start, threw things (cell phones, staplers) at me, yelled at me daily, called me dumb just about daily. Uh, bitch, you're the one that hired me!

NEVER ONCE DID I TURN OFF MY CELL PHONE the entire time I worked there, becuse HER MAJESTY WAS SO DAMN FUCKING IMPORTANT. Constant multiple phone calls on the weekends to run down to the office to take care of something that was HER RESPONSIBILITY, her fuckup. I lived in fear of that damn ringtone.

The irony? I am a tough-as-nails, no BS kinda person. I call it like it is and don't take crap from anyone. Except, strangely enough, from her.